There has been so much cougar/anti-cougar/un-cougar/beyondcougar stuff in the news of late, it’s been a while since I touched on the issues that women face when dating a younger guy.
When I met my husband, he was just 23. At such a young age, his relationship experience was, well, limited. Of course, he’d had relationships, but, if you cast your mind back that far, a ‘serious’ relationship in your late teens/early twenties is a completely different thing to a serious relationship through your late twenties and into your thirties.
When you’re that age, everything matters more. From standing up and fighting against social injustice, to the little things, that can, (sometimes without warning) become big things. Big things that really matter. It’s part of the maturity process, part of discovering who you are, to know what pushes your buttons, and it’s a matter of self-exploration to know just how much those buttons can get pushed. In your early twenties, those teenage hormone surges are still in their last throes of wreaking emotional havoc.
Temper this with an older partner, who is blessed with the benefit of experience, who has been through it all and come out the other side. We tend to know who we are and what we’re about, and that wisdom has often shown us – the things that seemed like the end of the world to us at 23, are rarely the things that spark fireworks in our thirties and forties. We’ve learned to just not sweat that stuff so much. That what seemed like a deal-breaker then, is now something to be easily overcome, without even breaking a sweat.
When there is an age gap relationship, that difference in stages can be both a blessing and a curse. On the upside, sharing the learning process with a younger partner can reignite the passion and intensity (with the added benefit of hindsight) that we ourselves may have let slide. It gives us an even greater appreciation of where we’re at and just how far we have come. And of course, that passion permeates to the more intimate moments in the most delicious way.
On the flipside, that passion and intensity can turn minor disagreements into something far bigger than the sum of their parts. For my husband, when we first met, it was all about control. He’d rebelled strongly against his father, and that came through to our relationship too. He’d been so used to being challenged about everything, that when I’d ask him to call when he had arrived at a destination (I’m talking different cities here, not a trip to the shops), he’d flip out at me with a: ‘you’re trying to control me!’
No, I just care about you, and want to know you are safe. That’s all.
What was the solution?
It wasn’t easy. It was time that taught us. In time, he learned, yes, she’s simply asking because she cares. And at the time, I had to remember where he was coming from. That not too long before meeting me, he’d been living at home as a young man, struggling to assert his independence, striving to become the man he is today.
Don’t get me wrong, sometimes it was a pain in the butt. Like when asking him to take his turn in doing the dishes became (in his mind) a control thing. Give me a break. I just want the dishes doing, and it’s your turn to do it. Not tomorrow, not next Wednesday, but today, please. And of course, his refusal to do the dishes, in my mind translated to: ‘Who does he think I am, his mother? Does he really think I’m the kind of woman who is going to clean up after him?’
He’d not had a serious relationship before ours. He was learning that romance when you’re a teen is a whole different thing to an adult, committed relationship. And that made his growing pains inevitable – and inevitably they became our growing pains.
Next time you find yourself in a heated argument with your younger guy about something trivial, try and remember what it was to be his age. Try to be mindful that he’s not blessed with the wisdom of your experience. He’s coming at it from a totally different place. It won’t necessarily stop the issue arising, but you can certainly help diffuse the situation by taking a moment to see it from his perspective. And, in time, he will come to realise that he’s misinterpreting your intentions and actually, it’s just not that big a deal, after all.
How do your different life stages impact your relationship? How do you deal with it?
Jo xx
© Beyond Cougar 2010
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2 comments
For us the big grinding issue was more the sexual side of the relationship. My partner and I always had a great time when we went out but things sort of broke down when things got heated. He was at the time 22. He had little experience with relationships in general but work had given him the skills to get by socially. However, he was very intimidated by my sexuality and my appearance. I gave him time but also keep up enough flirting to say that aspect of the relationship was something I was interested in. Over time he told me about his previous relationships, the lack of sexual experience and so on. It was a very intimate and trusting thing for both of us since it brought out my past relationships as well. We are still working on things but the understanding has brought a lot out. I had to learn to let him explore what he likes without trumping it with my opinions all the time and also be willing to step up when he needed me to or seemed receptive to it. He’s finally comfortable with me. He’s become ok with the thought that “the really hot woman wants to be with me.” It is a hard thing to remember feeling like that but I think everyone has in their lives. I’m just glad it has worked out.
I think that’s a really good point. I haven’t discussed the sexual side of things on the blog, but there are certainly differences. My husband had his share of experience before he met me, but it took time for him to move back from that rushed experience of sex you have in your late teens and early twenties, to understand the more sensual side of lovemaking.
And you are right, they still need to explore their own sexuality at that age and we need to embrace and encourage that journey too.
Thanks for the comment – you’ve set me thinking!
Jo xx