This week, I want to focus on the issues that men face when dating an older woman.
It’s easy to think that he just sails through the relationship without a care in the world, but it’s not the case.
Last week, I wrote about the insecurities that women face when dating younger men. But how about the insecurities the guys have? (Yup, they have them too).
I spoke to hubby and sure, enough, at the start of our relationship, he too was plagued with them. (Like me, over time, the majority have dissipated).
His were along the lines of:
What can I offer her?
What if I’m not mature enough?
What if I can’t give her what she wants in bed?
What if some settled, suave older guy catches her eye?
It’s all too easy to neglect the notion that these young, gorgeous men can feel that way, but they do. Add children and an ex-husband to the equation and you can times the insecurity factor by a few hundred. The concept that you have built and lived lives while he was still in school is bad enough – but the constant reminders – the kids and the lifetime bond of parenthood can send a guy into a tailspin.
While kids don’t figure in my own personal equation, there was still a lot for my husband to be intimidated by. He was just 23 when we met. I was a Masters degree toting professional, with her own home, a nice car and all the trappings that come from over a decade on the career ladder. He was a tradeseman-in-training with no home of his own, a sizeable tool kit and not much else to his name.
Coming from a generation which is constantly told that it’s not who you are, but what you have – well, I guess I’d have felt pretty insecure too, falling for someone who, in his mind, had it all already. He’d dated younger women who were mateirialistic, which only served to validate his insecurity. And he also had to do battle with the inherently male notion that his role in relationships was to provide and protect. (That said, I think younger guys have a lot less of that pressure to contend with than older generations). What could he provide? How could he protect a woman who was more than capable of taking care of herself?
So, whatever you may think, that insecurity in an age gap relationship is certainly a two-way thing.
And, just as with me, it was time that was the real change agent, that refocused us as individuals in the eyes of the other, rather than the general assumptions that our own experiences (from our own generations) had taught us.
So, next time you find yourself worrying that your age is a threat to your relationship, just remember – he’s probably thinking the same thing too.
Jo
© Beyond Cougar 2010
ShareThis
