The Importance of Equality When Dating Younger Men

*I know the post is a little late today, but the sun was shining and the beach was too tempting – it’s been one of those weeks – normal service will resume for Monday’s update!

On Wednesday, I looked at how relationship insecurity affects men as well as women. If there was one other single thing that can make or break an older woman/younger man relationship, it’s finding the right balance.

• You’ve got shared interests?
• Physical AND mental attraction?
• A shared outlook on life?
• Are you willing to open up and trust your emotions to a man who is still learning so much about his own feelings and motivations?

You are? Great! You’re on your way.

It’s a risk, sure. But then, don’t all the best things in life require taking chances?

But there is one thing that is so easy to overlook, that is absolutely fundamental in making a relationship with a younger guy work.

Balance.

Get it right, and you can sail off hand in hand into the sunset. Get it wrong, and it can be a disaster.

As the older partner, the power lies in your hands. It’s all too easy to not even realise you have it, or forget that it’s there – but it is. Being mindful of that power is essential.

Some ways that you could be the more ‘powerful’ of the two:

• You are, most likely, financially independent
• You are more established in your career
• You have your own life in order – and are used to calling the shots
• You own more material things
• You may have a family to care for, who take priority
• Having learned from your experiences, you have your own routines and your own ways of doing things
• You are more sexually experienced, which can be hugely intimidating to a man

See how the scales are stacked in your favour? Sitting where he’s sitting, you hold all the cards. His identity as a man, built from a lifetime of being told that relationship power is his by right, is in a tailspin.

So, how do you handle the power issue in a way that works for you both?

What you need to do:

• Never, ever patronise him
• Always be sure to ask him his opinion, don’t assume you know it already (or decide it for him)
• Make sure he has responsibilities in the relationship – and give him the opportunity to fulfil them
• Know where to give him the freedom to make relationship choices
• Give him the space and freedom to make (and learn from) his own mistakes
• Listen to his hopes and fears, and check back and support him when he’s having to make his own decisions

He needs to see that you are treating him as an equal, not as a child. He will, inevitably make mistakes, and you need to be there for him when he does. Guide him when he’s receptive, but let him loose to make his own choices too. He’s still young, and however easy it is to say ‘I told you so’ – he won’t thank you for it.

For us, it’s all too easy to hop into the driver’s seat and take control of running the relationship. In the short term, it may work. But don’t think that in a decade you’ll be glad you did. He will resent you for controlling him, and chances are, you’ll resent him for not stepping up to the plate.

How do you handle the power balance in your relationship?

Jo

ShareThis

Tagged as: age gap relationships, dating younger men, marriage with a younger man, Relationship matters