A recent comment on one of my posts set me thinking.
‘Confused’ wrote:
“Hi, I have been dating/living with a man 11 years younger than me. We are deeply in love but have many issues. One of which is his mother refuses to meet me because I am older. She wants him to come home and spend weekends with her but I am not invited. Am I wrong to want him to demand that this behavior is unacceptable?”
Poor ‘Confused’! – My heart goes out to you!
Unfortunately, whatever our age, age gap, colour or creed, parents-in-law have the ability to wreak devastation on relationships. I actually once broke off an engagement with a guy (my own age) primarily based on his mother – she was an Alpha female, who had to have control of her precious boy at all times. As another Alpha, we clashed. Badly. It was never going to work and at the time, I wasn’t prepared to keep fighting. (It was the right decision – I met the right man, and I fixed him up with a friend who was certainly a beta and got along great with his poisonous mother.)
My decision to end it came because I didn’t want to keep him stuck in the middle of us (it wasn’t fair on him) and the decision that I didn’t want a man who didn’t have the balls to stand up to his mother when he needed to. (Boy, she pulled some stunts).
But I think the problem, Confused, is with the idea of ‘demanding’ anything of anyone. Making demands on people has a tendency to backfire.
So – she refuses to meet you. Fine. Don’t meet her. Doesn’t sound as though she is going to be a welcome addition to your friends and circle of positive people. But be mature about it. Leave the ball in her court. Act the adult here, even if she isn’t. If you can keep your cool and not make a drama of it, your man should, in time, see how unreasonable she is being. Have the upper hand by not reacting in front of your man (save the bitching for your friends – no man wants to hear his mother being cussed).
Maybe she just needs some time to come to terms with the idea of his being with an older woman. Maybe she is a vindictive old cow who will never change – who knows? But demanding she meet you will not do anyone any good. She will resent being forced into something she doesn’t want to do, your guy will feel torn between the two women in his life and you will be frustrated when she doesn’t immediately see how wonderful you are and what a cute couple you make (and in those forced circumstances, she won’t, that’s for sure).
As for the weekend visits – well – again – you have to treat him like an adult. If you try and stop him, he will naturally side with his mother. No guy – or woman – likes to feel controlled. So let him decide. If he chooses to go spend every weekend with her, then maybe you need to examine your relationship a little more closely. If he goes – make sure you tell him what a fabulous weekend you had and all he missed. You don’t say how old he is, but if he’s still running home to his mom every weekend, then maybe he needs to grow up a little before he’s ready for an adult relationship.
Ideally, you can find a solution where he spends some weekends with you, and others with his mother. Hopefully a time will come when a weekend with Mummy doesn’t appeal and he’d rather be with you, and choose accordingly. But don’t force him. He needs to be responsible for his own choices and his relationship not only with you, but with his mother.
Give it time, stay neutral and leave the ball in her court. If she doesn’t want to play, that’s her issue, not yours.
Good luck – let us know how it turns out!
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1 comment
Kudos to you! I hadn’t thouhgt of that!